My average looking, somewhat weird friend who slayed [FM]

I posted this story long ago. I sent him to it years later and he loved it SO MUCH. It's his birthday today. Happy birthday, Mike. May your hot wife enjoy this.

This man is the thing of legends. My best friend from college lives in my city and we often find ourselves whispering about this man in dark corners of parties, trying to figure out exactly how this happened.

I've seen a lot in my day, but I've never seen anyone like Mike (yes, I'm giving him a fake name).

Mike was a short, portly young man who started balding when we were 18. He was wasn't ugly, he just simply not conventionally attractive. He once compared himself to the Lucky Charms leprechaun and I had a hard time disputing it.

Mike was barely 5 foot but really embraced it. He used to say that he loved being short because people found short folks non-threatening so he always made friends easy.

Mike was of moderate intelligence, from a middle class family, with no particularly remarkable skills or ambition.

Mike FUCKING SLAYED.

Holy shit, this dude pulled 10s like they were going out of style. Every time I looked up, Mike was hooking up with a different hottie. Not just making out, but having sex and/or dating these gorgeous women on the reg.

I have my theories about this, but the most prominent one is that he was simply sweet and completely transparent. He was most certainly sexual, but in a way that was non-threatening and unassuming… so much so that it was endearing.

When I first started hanging out with his group of friends, I immediately liked him. He immediately liked me as well. I was dating someone so it never even occurred for me to see him in that way, but I often found myself seeking him out at parties because he was so damn charming to be around. He's the dude who would pack a bowl or pour shots and say, "Just in case anyone needs a pick me up."

He was the dad of a college frat party.

The first time I saw him hook up with someone, I was kind of in denial. My boyfriend at the time was like, "I'm fairly certain Mike is about to get laid."

I thought he was joking.

This girl was size 2 with hair down to her waist and a huge rack. She was sexy AF. When I saw her my jaw dropped a little.

I watched her chatting with Mike but I did not believe this could POSSIBLY go anywhere. Maybe I'm just an asshole, but I simply did not see this happening for him. Mike was his normal, bubbly self. He rarely talked about himself and had the rare ability to make everyone feel special. He was hanging on her every word.

At one point I overheard her say she hated her hair and he started laughing and said, "You want to trade? Because one of us has the best hair in this room and it's sure not me." He laughed at himself as he bent down and showed his bald spot… She responded by rubbing it, laughing, and then leaning down to kiss him.

Like what??! That's it. That's the whole story.

Later that night my boyfriend and I heard them fucking and in my brain I was like, "Sweet Mike. That's probably the hottest girl he'll ever fuck."

It was not the hottest girl he would ever fuck.

The next morning the four of us went to breakfast and she was straight fawning over him. I've never seen ANYONE quite so thrilled about getting fucked in a frat house. She reminded him to call her three times before she left that day.

This is only the beginning of Mike's slay saga.

Mike not only fucked, but straight up dated, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. Everyone wanted this chick, including me.

I actually wrote about how the two of us made eye contact while we both fucked our boyfriends.

Good lord, this girl was SEXY. She was actually featured in a magazine that was somewhat akin to playboy and most definitely could have made a living off of just being hot.

You want to know the worst part about this bitch? She was HELLA nice and smart. Good god, I was obsessed with her.

She had eyes for someone else though…

I knew they were hanging out a lot, but I thought they were hanging because Mike was a sweet guy who attracted a lot of cool people. Folks ALWAYS wanted to hang out with Mike because he had a way of making everyone feel good.

Anyway, one party I went up to them and she jokingly was like, "Hey Viola, have you met my boyfriend?"

Mike. Mike was her boyfriend.

I was drunk and did the only reasonable thing to do… I made out with her. Neither my boyfriend nor Mike seemed to mind. In fact, I think they were both VERY much hoping we would swing.

Anyway, Mike fucked this girl for six months until she moved away and their sex was fucking fire. It was so sweet and hot… I know this because sometimes I was in the same room and I heard that girl orgasm so hard I would swear she was seeing god. One of my favorite moments is when we heard her scream, "Holy shit, Mike. What? Wow! Whoa! Shit! Ahhhhhh!"

Oh college…

So she broke up with him when she moved away, but I wouldn't feel too sorry for Mike.

I once brought a friend to their frat house and she and Mike hit it off. Again, most folks hit it off with Mike, and at this point I had learned not to underestimate him.

My friend was HOT y'all.

She was a classic beauty who everyone was obsessed with. She was so tiny, sweet, and had an adorable face.

Mike. Fucked. Her.

Not only that, they would have dated if she wasn't joining the Peace Corps the following year. I know this because she literally contemplated not going because she liked him so much, but ultimately chose not to get involved with him.

That certainly didn't stop them from fucking though.

Again, maybe I'm an asshole but at one point I was like, "Does he have a big dick or something?"

"He's pretty average," she said. "God, I love sucking it." Apparently the look on my face was enough because she continued with, "I get it. He's not the HOTTEST guy I've been with but he's so… special."

"You have to explain this to me."

"You know what he's like in conversation where he hates talking about himself and makes you feel like you're the only one in the room? He's like that during sex. It's like… He makes me feel like my body is the absolute best thing he's ever seen. I come so much with him… I've actually never come with someone else before. Oh my god, when I give him head he thanks me over and over and talks about how beautiful I am. I sucked him off three times yesterday just because I love making him feel good. He's the first guy I let come in my mouth."

I gaped at her. "Really?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I just really want to make him feel good because he makes me feel so good in bed."

So Mike often stayed sober to make sure everyone got a ride home. He also volunteered at an animal shelter and visited his grandma every Sunday. Mike loved everyone and everyone loved Mike. The only flaw I ever saw in him was that he was almost too kind and saw the good in people to the point he could get taken advantage of. Even when he got mad, he was so kind about his issues that no one really argued with him. He was just sweet.

One time Mike and I got kind of fucked up on a certain drug and started talking about sex.

"When did you lose your virginity?" I asked.

"Oh! I was really young. She was nineteen and I was eighteen. I don't mean this to brag, but she was probably the most popular girl in my hometown. I couldn't believe she wanted me. You probably don't believe me."

"Mike… I whole-heartedly believe you." I started laughing uncontrollably then.

"You do?"

"Yes! You get more girls then anyone I've met and they're all SO hot. I mean, it's just…"

He smiled at me sweetly. "You can say it, V. It's a lot of hot women for a short balding man who is obsessed with D&D."

"Honestly? Yes."

He shrugged. "I've always been really lucky in that department."

"Sex? Have you always gotten laid this much?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, kind of. If you figure out why let me know." We were both laughing at this point.

"You might be the best person I know. I think that's why girls like you." As I stared at him I realized this was true. "Holy shit, I actually TOTALLY get it. Fuck man, if I wasn't dating your friend I might have to marry you."

He kissed my hand and smiled. "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me because you're pretty fucking cool, Viola."

"You're pretty fucking cool too… But like, everyone I know who has fucked you says you're the best theyve ever had. What are you doing to these women?"

"You really want to know?" He giggled.

"Yes! How is it that every woman who fucks you is obsessed with it?"

"I have a fetish for clit play."

I stared at him. "Huh?"

"It's my thing. I once came just from eating a girl out because I was so into the way her clit felt on my tongue. Holy shit I love eating women out."

"Me too," I said without thinking. "I mean… head. I like giving head."

He looked at me. "Your boyfriend told me you've been with women, by the way. I don't care. Although, next time you make out with one of my girlfriends I hope you just invite me in."

I started laughing. "Why do you like eating women out? What does that do for you?"

"Oh! It's not just with my tongue. I like everything about it. Holy shit, have you ever touched a woman there and just watch her come undone? It's like a magic button that paralyzes her with pleasure. I'm obsessed with it. I once got off looking at a photo of a clitoris."

"Oh my god," I laughed. "That's the secret? You're obsessed with clit play? That's it?"

"Yeah, that's it."

We need to raise the bar for men a little. Just saying.

"No wonder everyone who fucks you wants to date you. You're a unicorn."

He shrugged. "I like what I like. It's a lot of nerve endings to work with."

"You seriously are the best person I know."

Mike is doing well. He got his PHD and is a professor at our college. He married a girl who looks like Mila Kunis and they have four kids and one on the way. I saw him a few years ago at a wedding and I'm pretty sure he fucked his wife in the bathroom halfway through our reception.

I am in an unusually happy marriage with a man I'm obsessed with, but sometimes I am SLIGHTLY jealous of Mike's wife. Jesus Christ, that woman is lucky.

Be like Mike, kids.