The first time we had sex after I had a baby [FM]
Yup… This might come as a bit of a shock for people who know my account. Surprise!
A funny thing happens when you face your own mortality. I can't tell if motherhood is actually this blissful or if I just appreciate every aspect of it a little more because I almost died in the process of becoming a mom and wasn't sure my baby was going to make it.
So blame it on the trauma, but it is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
There was just one problem: My husband I fell out of sync physically. I know this is basically the most common complaint after sex and my hubris is about to shine through, but I just didn't think it would happen with us.
We have been kickass partners in parenthood from the beginning and there was never a question of if we had fallen out of love, but I missed our sex life dearly.
At first this was understandable. I had a c-section with complications, which meant I had to take extra precautions when healing. My OB was pretty fucking adamant that (1) I could not have sex until he cleared me to do so and (2) there were absolutely no loopholes out of this like when I was a religious teen.
Trust me, I tried. The face my doctor made when I asked if oral sex really counted as a "strenuous activity" when I could still barely walk from the pain was one my husband still laughs about.
However, even after I got cleared to have sex and got my IUD back in, we just… weren't having it. Even though our rule is we can turn down sex anytime for any reason so I tried not to openly question it, it was rough going from daily intercourse to none at all.
I brought it up once and he said he'd make an effort. It just so happens that the effort he made was not what I had in mind.
This is going to sound like the stupidest thing to complain about in the world, but he randomly just started going down on me in what felt like a distraction from the bigger issue at hand. Every time I got a little handsy or hinted I was in the mood, he just would get on his knees.
I swear my husband lived on the floor of our condo for weeks. It got weird.
One night in particular, I was cleaning a bottle when my husband commented about how my ass was hanging out of my shorts.
"I'm glad you noticed," I mumbled. "I'm surprised you did."
He smiled as he started making tea. "What do you mean? I always notice your ass."
"You haven't exactly been ass-grabbing recently."
"Not true. I changed so many diapers today," he joked.
I rolled my eyes and went back to dishes. I sensed him approaching me from behind and tensed slightly. His hand grazed over my ass lightly and then his open palm rotated clockwise around my cheek. My eyes became fixed on a crack in the wall in front of me as I let my hands go limp and heard the clank as I let the bottle I was washing fall to the bottom of the sink.
When his hands went in between my legs my eyes rolled to the back of my head as blood started pulsing through me. I started panting as he rubbed his hand through my shorts back and forth and let his fingers find my clit. I rotated my hips closely to meet him and reached to wrap his hand around me and onto my breast.
He pulled me back towards him and I felt him hard through his jeans. I moaned when I rubbed my ass against him and let the friction pulse between us. I could feel his heavy breath in my ear as I finally let myself fall forward and slam my hands onto the counter.
"Fuck me," I moaned, almost in a whisper. "Fuck me like this."
He whipped me around so we were facing each other and grabbed my thigh with his open hand. When he pushed me onto the kitchen counter my hands instinctively went to his hair as I wrapped my legs around him. I pulled him towards him me and watched him start to lose himself in what was finally igniting between us- something I hadn't felt in weeks.
"Please fuck me," I cried as he sucked on my earlobe and moved his mouth to my neck. He put his hand to my breast and squeezed so tight I gasped. I let him moved a thumb over my nipple and thanked god I hadn't put on a bra.
Side note: I didn't breastfeed… it's not that kind of story.
He kissed down my neck and moved to my breast. I started unbuttoning my shirt…
Until he got on his knees.
"What are you doing?" I asked as he tried to yank my shorts off.
"I want to taste you," he moaned.
"No!" I snapped as I grabbed my shorts to keep them above my waist. "I want to fuck you."
"This is fucking," he noted as he ran his hand up my thigh.
"Let me be more clear in case this hasn't come across, I want your penis inside of me."
He stared at me from the floor. "Can I please just get you off like this?"
Our baby started crying.
I gulped and shook my head. "I don't even want to talk about this right now, but you need to figure out a way to articulate what's happening," I grumbled as I tore myself from the counter and walked away. "It's been months!"
I'm sure many of you have theories at this point in the story as to why my husband suddenly seemed more interested in pleasuring me with his tongue with a frequency that rivaled several women I've dated. I'm sure you'd also probably suggest rational things like marriage therapy, better communication, or time.
I did none of those things. Instead I went and got drunk with my ex and talked about my sex life.
For those who have never read my stories, my ex and I have an interesting relationship that has evolved immensely from when I started this account. We fucked on and off for four years, ignored each other for a few years after that, and then reconnected a while back when him and my husband finally decided they could be friends. In fact, they've gotten quite close. He was one of three people who came to see me in the hospital after birth. Our relationship has evolved to be much more like siblings.
My tolerance for alcohol was shit when we went out which my ex found hilarious. He kept buying me drinks and announcing to anyone who would listen that I had just had a baby because he thought this would get us free shots. His theory proved to be true.
Anyway, this conversation ensued…
"He goes down on me whenever I want but he refuses let me return the favor," I slurred.
My ex rolled his eyes. "That sounds horrible for you."
"Don't patronize me. How long could you go just receiving oral? Like, nothing else."
He swirled his drink around and gave me a skeptical look. "Do you actually want me to answer that question? Because I think I could make that work for quite a while."
I sighed and shook my head, "I need actual advice. You could talk to him," I suggested. They're buddies now so this seemed like a great drunken idea.
"And say what? Go stick your penis in your wife? As cool as we are, I don't think your ex is the right man for this job, V. Why cant YOU just talk to him? You two talk about everything. You two talk so much it's disgusting."
"Maybe he's disgusted with ME and my body now."
"People don't generally put their mouths on bodies they're disgusted by," my ex huffed as he signaled for more shots. "Plus, that man is absolutely obsessed with you. Do you really think that changed?"
"He saw his ‘favorite bar burn down' or whatever."
My ex slammed his shot down and turned to me with a curious expression. "His favorite bar burned down?"
"I think generally it's an expression about a baby coming through a vagina, but I imagine it would apply to just watching someone in labor generally. Even if he didn't actually see my c-section he knows a baby came through my stomach. That's like a bar burning down, right?"
"That's not a real thing people say. I refuse to believe that's an actual phrase. You need to spend less time on the internet. He's not that kind of guy."
The truth is that I don't hate my body after pregnancy. In fact, I think I look pretty damn good. My toxic trait is that I even might like the way I look now more. I actually weigh less now than pre-pregnancy and like what it did to my skin and hair. After a horrible pregnancy, my body bouncing back felt like karma.
Still, bodies change in pregnancy. It's a fact. Even though my confidence is generally pathologically high, my husband not letting me touch his penis was shaking me to my core. Insecurities were creeping in.
I got quiet then and stared off. My ex noticed and finally pulled me into a hug. "Come here you! He's a dad now! Maybe he's just distracted. It will get better!"
"I'm never having sex again."
"Don't be so negative! Just walk in tonight and take your clothes off. I refuse to believe any man would turn down a blowjob from a naked woman."
I wish I could tell you the rest of the conversation, but after a year of sobriety the shots we took hit a little too hard and the last thing I remember was being "delivered" by my ex to my husband. I woke up in my pajamas with a banana and water beside me, meaning my husband had graciously taken care of me in my drunken state.
He's a saint.
My husband was reading the paper at the foot of our bed and smiled when my eyes fluttered open. I could tell from his face something had happened but he looked more amused than angry.
"I hear you need to talk to me," he almost smirked as I lifted my pounding head from the pillow and groaned.
"Why? What happened?"
"I think [K]'s exact words were ‘Brother, you need to fuck your wife before she implodes, and who the fuck turns down head?' He was not very subtle."
I groaned. "He wasn't supposed to say it like that!"
"Why is he saying anything at all? Just talk to me. You can tell me anything."
"Ok… I have a feeling you suspect what my problem is and have been avoiding it. So why don't you tell me what's going on. Just tell me why."
"Why what?"
"Why aren't we having sex? Are you disgusted with my body? Do you hate fucking a mom? Are you not in love with me anymore? What is happening?"
"How can you ask me that? If anything I love you more after seeing you as a mom. It's beautiful. I've never been more attracted to you than now."
"Then why?"
"It's complicated."
"I'm glad we had this talk," I scolded. "I'm going to take a shower because this is fruitless and stupid."
"V! Please don't walk away now. This feels like rejection."
I gaped at him for a moment. "Are you fucking serious right now? Grow up. Maybe you deserve some rejection too."
This is a bad fight btw. We don't talk to each other like this.
I was still fuming in the shower when I heard him pull the curtain back. It had been months since I had seen him naked and I got the urge to stare as he stepped in and pulled me into a hug.
He got hard.
I turned away and felt him start washing my back gently for me. He ran soapy hands down my body and paused at my hips.
"Please don't fuck with me right now," I semi-moaned as he ran his fingers through my hair. He played with my hair for a while until I felt myself relax and let my hands fall to my side.
His breathing hitched a little when he finally grabbed a fistful and wrapped my hair once around his wrist. He yanked it taut and pulled me into him. My back pressed against his chest and I felt him hard against me, pulsing as he rubbed himself back and forth gently against my ass. He reached his hand around and squeezed my nipple before cupping my breast completely, so hard I could feel a bruise coming.
"You want me to fuck you then?" He asked as he put his hand in between my legs and found me wet. "Because it sure does feel like it."
"Yes," I whispered as I wrapped an arm around his neck, turned my head to the side, and pulled him in to kiss me. He put his hand under my chin and tipped it forward gently so he could slip his tongue in my mouth fully.
It had been so long my hands were literally shaking like a junkie who was about to get a fix for the first time after a dry spell. I couldn't even really get a breath in as his fingers slipped inside of me and started slowly circling.
"You're tight," he noted. "Fuck, you're so tight."
"It'll feel better for you."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"That's never stopped us before."
"You have to stop me if it hurts."
I moved his hand to my neck and squeezed his fingers so they wrapped around for him to choke me. "Maybe hurt me a little."
I pressed back against him and moved my other hand to run my fingers up and down his dick. He breathed hard into my ear and it's like he suddenly broke.
"Holy shit, V. Fuck, I need it."
Before you judge this next move, he's over a foot taller than me. This is the only way we can have shower sex.
He pushed me forward until I was fully bent over in front of him with my hands on the tile floor.
"Tell me you want it," he panted as he leaned over me. "I don't know how much longer I can wait."
"Please," I cried. "Please do it."
"You have to tell me if it hurts," he pleaded again with an air of desperation.
"Jesus Christ, just fucking-"
He spread my legs and pushed himself inside of me before I could finish my plea. Suddenly I felt my muscles tighten around him and it was like I could see color again. The world came back to me.
Fun fact about a cesarean: even though your anatomy doesn't actually change, you still tighten after giving birth. So yeah… It does hurt. Frankly, I didn't give a damn. I once had a dude fuck me with a hot pepper and a dildo up my ass. This wasn't exactly the most painful sex of my life.
Plus, the feeling of him inside me was almost indescribable. After months of missing the sensation, it was like finding a missing part of my body that filled me to completion. I'll go ahead and be crude and say in that moment he literally could have been fucking my ass and I still would have been grateful to feel him inside me again.
We saved that for later though…
I screamed and hit the wall. He asked me if I wanted to stop but I absolutely refused. I begged him to keep going and pleaded for it harder. All of my muscles had tensed but I had also entered some kind of euphoric state where the pain didn't really seem to matter.
He slammed into me and gasped as he grabbed my hips to pull me toward him and bent his knees deeper to push into me harder. I suddenly felt him shaking too as he put one hand on the wall to steady himself. The other went to my hair and he pulled harder this time.
"I'm not going to make it long," he admitted as he thrusted again, trying to slow down.
"I don't care. Go harder. Come inside of me."
That's when he paused for a moment and I felt a hint of hesitation.
"Or pull out and come on my face," I suggested.
He liked that idea.
He pulled himself out of me, turned me around and pushed me to my knees. I tried to take him in my mouth but he was already coming. I moved his dick around so his cum could get on every corner of my face and licked the edges that got near my lips.
He slammed his hand against the wall. "Fuck, I'm so sorry."
"For coming on my face? I told you to," I laughed as I stood up and reached for face wash.
"You didn't come."
I kissed him deeply and ran a hand through his hair. "But we fucked!" I said gleefully with sincere excitement I wasn't faking. I fell against the wall and let out a sigh of relief. "It happened. Oh my god!"
He ran his fingers along my jaw and I pushed them into my mouth as he pressed his body gently into mine. I let his fingers slide down my throat one my one and sucked gently. He shuddered slightly and I watched him start to get hard again.
"V… I want you to know there was never a time I didn't want to fuck you."
I smiled and pushed him away. "You watched me put cabbage on my nipples for a week so my milk would dry up and watched a nurse clean dried blood from my ass. I get why I wasn't exactly at my sexiest. You don't have to be a nice guy all the time."
I got out of the shower and reached for a towel. When I heard him get out behind me and felt his hand grab my upper arm and swing me around to face him.
"Viola, I'm being serious. Even then, there was never a time I wasn't attracted to you. They were wheeling you away after you passed out and I had a fleeting thought that you looked really beautiful with your hair tied back."
I stared at him for a long time as I tried to find a hint of dishonesty in what he was saying. Instead he just met my eyes with a strange sadness I couldn't place.
"You stopped touching me. It hurt, ok? That really, really hurt me. You've barely even kissed me."
"I was afraid to… because I knew I'd want to do this. I'd want to do everything. You're very hard to say no to."
He bent over and wrapped his hands around each of my thighs as he hoisted me up to the bathroom counter. I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him closer.
He was rock hard by then but didn't go in me. He smiled slightly when I tried to position him in between my legs and put his mouth to my collarbone and kissed up to my ear.
"Do you want it?" He asked almost playfully.
I moaned as I felt him pulse against me and suddenly tears sprang to my eyes.
These were not sad post-baby tears. They were absolutely tears of wanting to fuck my husband so badly that I started crying out of desperation. It's been a while since I cried when begging for sex. I usually have to be spanked and gagged first.
"I want to move you to the bedroom. I need room for activities," he whispered.
"If you don't put yourself inside of me, I'm going to die."
"I think I have a win-win solution here," he chuckled as he grabbed a fistful of my hair and thrust himself inside of me again. It was easier this time and felt more pleasurable than it had before. My head reared back as I let out something akin to a whimper. I clawed at his back and tried to speak.
"What was that?" He panted into my ear as he bit my lobe and tugged on my hair again.
"I…" I trailed off. I couldn't form a word, much less a sentence. "Just fuck… I need… You feel so good."
My husband didn't move though. He held me perfectly still in this position and laughed when I squirmed in an attempt to get him to thrust into me again. He smiled when he moved my arms to the back of his neck and scooped me up with both of his arms under my ass to lift me from the counter.
As he carried me to our bedroom I attacked him with the energy of a starving wild animal. I couldn't get enough of his mouth on mine and kept circling my tongue desperately around his. When he pulled away for air I bit his shoulder and clawed harder at his back.
"Ouch," my husband yelled as he lowered us onto the bed.
"You can always bite me back," I noted playfully.
"I intend to," he smiled as he moved in and out of me, torturously slow. Every time I felt him move in me, it sent my head spinning. "Is this what you wanted?"
"Every single day," I literally cried. Tears streamed down my face as I gasped for air and choked. My body was jolting with every thrust so he grabbed my hands and pinned me down to the mattress.
"I want you to tell me about it," he whispered. "I want to know how much you've wanted me."
"I've missed your cum in my mouth and the feeling of you holding me down. I've gotten myself off every day to you. I've even dreamed about it. Lying next to you at night has been torture. All I've thought about is fucking you for weeks."
"Like this?" He asked as he pushed into me harder. He was still going slow to toy with me.
"In every way," I croaked. "I want it every single way we've ever done it. I want you on top, and behind me, I want your cum on every inch of my body. I want to feel my orgasm around you. I want you to spank me until I'm red and then fuck me where I'm sore from your handprints."
"Fuck," he whispered. "That's what I get for asking. I forgot how you talk when you're like this."
"Bite me so hard I have your teeth marks on me tomorrow," I moaned.
His mouth went to my breast and he bit me until fresh tears sprang to my eyes.
Again, I'm not breastfeeding. It wasn't THAT kind of bite or this isn't that kind of story.
"Turn me around and spank me," I begged. "Please! Please do it hard. I want to feel it tomorrow when I sit down."
"Not yet," he whispered as he put his mouth to my ear. "I know what's coming and I want to watch you."
He sped up and went harder. I threw my head back and reached for the sheets to grab. He put his hand on top of mine and held it to pin me back against the sheets.
"I'm going to come," I cried as he licked my nipple and bit it slightly.
"I know," he laughed as he thrusted harder. "I want to watch you unravel beneath me. Look at me while you do it or I'm going to stop."
The build happened quickly. I didn't even have time to respond before I felt myself gasp and crumble into something I barely recognized. I climaxed around him with a jolt so strong he had to throw his body on me to keep me in place. My body started shaking involuntarily as he kissed my neck and breasts through my orgasm. I stared at the ceiling and let out a gasp and then finally locked eyes with his. I put a hand to his face and smiled. He put his forehead on mine and kissed me gently.
When he finally pulled out of me I was crying and panting. He ran a hand through my hair and kissed my neck again.
"How was that?" He asked.
"Better than I imagined," I breathed into him. I didn't even feel human at that point.
"You didn't come though."
He grinned wickedly as he sat up and kissed my hand. "Oh Viola, did you really think I'm finished with you?"
"Huh?" I asked dumbfounded as I tried to recover from the earth shattering orgasm that was still sending pulses of tingles through my body.
His answer came in the form of flipping me over on my belly and reaching for a pillow to slide under my lower stomach.
Do this move and she will be yours. It's so underrated.
He pushed himself inside of me quickly and slammed into me so hard I nearly choked. He went deep and didn't hold back with each thrust.
"Don't stop," I cried.
"I'll do my best but fuck you feel good like this. Like… Shit this feels too good. I'm going to come fast. I can pull out."
"We're going to come at the same time," I moaned as I buried my face into the pillow. I knew this because I could feel the way his energy was building and it was matching mine. "And my IUD is in. Don't pull out!"
"I'm going to pull out and come on your back."
*We literally never, ever do this. He always comes inside of me."
"Huh? No, I'm building the same as you," I gasped. "Please don't stop. I want your cum inside of me."
"Well fuck, when you put it that way…"
I gave in completely and let my body meld into his. I almost forgot how well we fit together and something magical happens when we're in sync.
I tightened around him and felt him fall forward with a gasp. My climax came in waves but he held me through it, letting himself pulse in and out of me until we were both satisfied.
I swear I could have died right then. I turned over and laid beside him as we both caught our breath and smiled.
"I want to suck you off," I panted. "I've been dreaming of you in my mouth for months."
I really had been. I love my husband's penis and often get off to the thought of blowing him. I have an abnormal amount of appreciation for how his cum tastes. I literally know when it'll taste different based on the time of day.
"There is no way I could come again right now," he responded with an exhausted shake of him head.
"Want to bet? I'll give you a rim job first if you want. I could also suck on your balls. In fact, I'll do anything you want right now. Just say the word. You can handcuff me if you want."
I was a little too eager to make up for lost time.
He pulled me toward him so my head rested on his chest. "This is what I want right now. Well that, and I want to talk to you."
"We have the rest of our lives to talk. We only have about thirty minutes left of nap time. Let me get weird!"
"V!" He said a little harsher. For the first time I really studied his face and realized he had tears in his eyes. "When you were in labor I didn't think you were disgusting. Not once. I didn't think about anything except how if I lost you… I remember when you passed out I told your doctor that if something happened to you they might as well put me in the ground with you because I'd never make it out of the grief alive. I don't think you realize what it was like for me to watch that."
I watched him for a while and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I never asked."
I know it seems silly but we had never really talked about it. My baby and I survived and healed quickly! Isn't that all that mattered? I see now how that's a naive take, but at the time I only saw good things.
"It seemed selfish to bring it up when you had gone through so much more, but I don't think I can go through it again and I've been terrified of having sex with you since it happened. Your IUD failed once before. I don't want to make a unilateral decision, but I can't risk this again."
I gulped and felt a sadness welling up like I had just been punched in the gut. "It's ok. It's just going to be hard, but sex isn't the only part of our relationship. We'll make it work."
His eyes widened as he sat up. "What are you talking about?"
"Well we can't fuck if you're going to traumatized from it. Isn't that the unilateral decision you're referring to? We always said either one of us can turn down sex for any reason."
"What? No! I scheduled a consultation for a vasectomy. That's what I've been trying to tell you for weeks. You're just so happy. You love being a mom and I didn't know how to tell you I want this door closed. I NEED this door closed. We can't risk it again."
"A vasectomy? That's a little dramatic."
"I almost lost both of you, V."
I gaped at him. "That's it? That's why you've been so weird about sex? This was about birth control? You wouldn't even let me touch you."
"Trust me," he sighed, "that was a lot harder for me than you. I wouldn't have been able to stop. You can be very persuasive once I get going."
"Jesus Christ. Never do this to me again! You could have just told me this!"
"You're not mad?"
"No! I think you need some therapy, but I'm kind of just relieved. I just want… You. I want us. If this is what you need I don't care."
We both laughed then as we fell back and cuddled naked. I cried from relief and let him kiss up and down my body as he assured me his desire for me had not diminished. In fact, he has apparently been dreaming of playing with the extra cup size I acquired during the process of building a human.
Also, I was indeed able to get him off again despite his doubts. He had apparently forgotten the extent of my talents.
Certain folks on this account love to make fun of my husband because he wifed up a recovering slut. What a fool, right? I usually don't even acknowledge the messages because they're dumb AF, but let me just say he's not exactly complaining about the very specific set of skills I acquired in my past life. I wouldn't feel too sorry for him.
It's strange wrapping up this story…
For many of you this will be the first post you'll ever read from me, but some of yall have followed me for years. I haven't really decided if I'll keep posting. I still have a lot of stories drafted and saved, but for now at least it feels like a door is closing.
I honestly started this account because my first literary agent told me I needed a social media following, which is difficult when you have to remain anonymous as a writer. A friend of mine suggested this sub, and I liked the vibe. Plus, I liked that I could be a different voice on here. There weren't a lot of regular female posters at the time and I loved having an outlet for the stories of my youth that portrayed positive female sexuality without shame or apology. The stories I lived felt like they were wasting away in my journals, so I started posting them here.
I feel honored by so many of my loyal readers and truthfully loved being able to escape into being Viola. I work as an attorney in a field that requires a very specific kind of writing. It was lovely to take an edible and just freehand my stories. It was a beautiful creative outlet for me.
Then this account became something more.
I can truly, honestly say I've loved all the folks I've fucked before. I've loved them at different times and in different ways, but they're each a part of my story which is a kind of love in itself. I even tried to write the painful parts of my past through a lens of love, because that's honestly how I feel about all of my experiences. I am so grateful for each person who popped up in my stories, some of which even know about this account.
I love you all. Really.
However, as odd and as unlikely as it may seem, this account was subconsciously just an extended and unexpected love letter to my husband. I read through all my old journals for inspiration and wrote about my past experiences in extensive and incredible detail, but none of it rattled some hidden desire in me to return to the person I was when I lived those experiences. In the end, there is only one person I'd like to fuck for the rest of my life.
It's the man I chose. The man who chose me. The man who is the father of my child and the love of my life. The best sex partner I've ever had.
My son will never know I'm "Viola." He'll never know I wrote multiple erotic stories that garnered more than a million reads on Reddit and thousands of shares on other outlets throughout the internet. He'll never know how many random readers on the internet formed a parasocial relationship with me or that I came very close to publishing a book about my sexual exploits before I found out I was pregnant.
However, he will know his parents are in love. He'll know we chose each other and that the passion between us is still very much in tact. He'll know that marrying his father was the second best thing I ever did, the first being creating him.
That might seem simple, but it is real and it is profound. I never saw that kind of love as a child, and this will be the easiest cycle of generational trauma to break.
I will always love my husband until the day I die.
I had to change a lot about my stories to keep myself and past partners safe from exposure, but that part couldn't be diminished. The love I have for my husband and the pure, unbridled adoration he holds for me is unparalleled and unexaggerated.
And if I can leave you with one simple truth to remember me by, it's that love makes sex better. Yes I was a slut who unapologetically enjoyed casual sex and experimentation, but I never had better sex than when I truly loved my partner.
It makes it deeper, richer, and more fulfilling in every way. It quite literally makes life- as evidenced when I look at my son's face and see my husband's eyes- but it also is one of the things that makes life worth living.
I will probably never know you and you won't know me, but I can still promise you are worthy of that kind of love if you are willing to give it freely in return.
-V