We opened up Pandora’s box with BDSM and I don’t see my husband the sa – Adorime
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We opened up Pandora’s box with BDSM and I don’t see my husband the same anymore

Oct 08, 2025

cuipingcheng

I've always been the submissive one. In every past relationship I wanted to be taken, controlled, pinned down. That was who I was, and honestly I never thought it would change. When my current partner and I started messing around with BDSM about a year ago, I figured that would be my role again.

But it didn't turn out that way. It started small me tying him up once, teasing him, telling him what to do and before I knew it, the roles flipped. Suddenly I was the dom every time, and he was always the sub. Now it's blindfolds, restraints, me edging him, making him watch while I use toys on myself. I'll taunt him, tell him how stretched I am, how much he's missing koi out. He loves it. And I do too. Way more than I ever expected.

And that's the problem. I don't help the situation, because I love domming him. I love the control, I love seeing how desperate he gets, I love how turned on it makes me. But we've gone so far into this that it feels like there's no way back. If we try to switch, it doesn't work. He can't stay hard, or if he does, he finishes in seconds. One time he came in under 10 seconds, and I was genuinely pissed. I made him watch me get off while I said some pretty harsh things. The crazy part is he was so into it. And the truth is… so was I. That moment made me realize just how deep we are in this dynamic, to the point where even my real frustration just becomes fuel for the kink.

When he tries to dominate me now, I can't take it seriously. I look at him and think, he can't handle me, I'm too much for him. And that stings, because I miss being thrown down and used. But at the same time, I love that I'm the one in control. It frustrates me that he can't dominate me anymore, yet I'm addicted to how much I can dominate him.

At the same time, I don't want to give up being the dom either. It's empowering, it turns me on, and it's become such a huge part of how I see myself. We've both changed in all of this. I used to be the one who wanted nothing more than to be taken and dominated, and now I can't imagine not being in control. And he used to be the one I looked at and thought he can handle me but now he's sunk so deep into being a sub that I don't see him that way anymore. It's like the dynamic rewired both of us, and I don't know if there's any way back. The whole situation is fucked and I just need to get fucked.

Outside the bedroom, things are fine. We're good. But in the bedroom, it feels like we opened Pandora's box and now there's no way to close it. I don't know if it's possible to retrain ourselves, or if this is just what our sex life looks like from now on.

Has anyone else been through this? Is there a way to find balance again, or once the roles shift this far, is it permanent?

Top Comments:

Or, have you considered doing the scene with him as a service top and you as a power bottom? This might also help you shift the dynamics. You get to order him around, but your orders might be things like, fuck me harder, fuck me like you mean it, slap my ass, that didn't count, fuck me like a slut, fuck me, like you hate me, etc. Basically, you give the orders, but you're ordering him to dominate you. This might be a good transition scene, because the relationship power remains with you, but the physical power is placed in his hands. He would feel safe, because he's used to following orders.
Have you considered brat play, with you as the brat? You would make attempts to assert control, before ultimately losing to your partner and submitting to his dominance. The scene itself would prove that he could dominate you, and that you could be dominated. It could also involve defiance outside the bedroom that receives punishment in the bedroom—he tells you to sweep the floors before he gets home, you don't. by separating your defiance from sexuality, it might seem more believable that your husband is upset by your actions. Perhaps both of you would feel that he is justified in punishing you for disturbing your peaceful situation outside the bedroom. You would need to establish the roles explicitly before the scene, of course, so that both of you understood what was happening. If you skip that step, he might just submit to the brat.
Do you guys ever just have vanilla sex anymore? Maybe rather than constantly flipping back and forth and adopting what sounds like a pretty intense dynamic in both directions, it would be good to level things out and re-establish a baseline. If you find yourselves unable to do that, maybe deny yourselves sex for a week or two (however long feels like a long while for you), until you're feeling horny enough that even vanilla sex gets you excited. Limit yourself to that for a while, then slowly reintroduce small aspects of him being more dominant (e.g. tying your hands up). Just my two cents! Honestly this might be a pretty interesting problem for a sex therapist if you can afford one.
Damn, sounds like y'all accidentally found your permanent switch and it's wild how much it flipped things. Honestly, some people just hit a point where the kink rewires the bedroom dynamic and trying to go back is messy. If it's fun for both of you, maybe just lean into it and find little ways to sprinkle in your old roles when you want. Trying to force it back could just kill the vibe you've built.

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