I had sex with my husband for the first time in a year.
24F. This is going to be a long one but I wanted to share my story so that other people who have gone through something similar know that there is hope and that they're not alone.
When I was 16-20 years old I dated a guy who abused me in every way possible, just short of beating. He used me for sex. It was always about him. It was always coerced and there were many times that he downright raped me and made me believe that it was normal and that I "owed" it to him. He hurt me during sex and bragged about it to his friends. I was able to escape when I was 20, but I had scars. I was scared of sex. I thought all men were the same and just wanted one thing from me. I was in college at the time, but I never went out. I kept dating to a minimum. I had a general fear of men.
Fast forward to last year. I was newlywed and my husband has been super understanding and amazing about the whole thing. Ever since I met him he never wanted to push me or do anything I wasn't comfortable with to the point that we actually stopped having sex for a long time because he could read on my face that I was just waiting for it to be over. He didn't feel comfortable having sex if it was only good for him. We had a long talk about how he wanted a hiatus from sex and that I should seek treatment and he would be there to support me. I didn't realize that sex was supposed to be good for me too. I didn't realize I had a problem until we had this talk. So I agreed to seek help for the sake of our relationship.
I tried several therapists and self help books but didn't feel like I was getting anywhere until I started seeing a sexologist a couple months ago. She has helped me work through the trauma and my resulting attitudes towards men and sex. She gave me exercises that I have been working on to help me reframe sex in my mind. She made me realize that I was healing for me, not for my husband. She helped me realize that my pleasure matters and if I didn't care about myself and healing for my own sake, I would never be able to have a healthy sexual relationship with my husband. I mattered.
Flash forward to last night. My husband and I were making out in bed. I started making out with him again a week ago because I felt ready to start being physical again but wanted to ease into it. I wasn't planning to have sex last night but it felt natural. The whole time he kept reassuring me how everything was okay, how he wasn't going to hurt me, how he cared about me and wanted me to feel good, and that I mattered. That last one was the most important. He reassured me that he knew that my pleasure mattered and that I was in control. It was so hot and so comforting at the same time. We both came together and I cried afterwards as he held me because that was the first time I had ever had truly consensual and fulfilling sex.
Many times throughout this process I thought rather hopelessly that I would never be comfortable with sex. That I was damaged beyond repair. I am so relieved now that I see change is happening and also so proud of myself for how far I've come since the abuse.
