What to Expect When Having Sex for the First Time with a Woman

Having sex for the first time can feel nerve-racking, no matter who you are or who you want to have sex with. Because there are many myths about "lesbian sex," it helps to be informed about how sex between women can actually look and feel. Below is a clear, inclusive guide to what to expect.

What we mean by "lesbian sex"

People often use "lesbian sex" to mean sex between two women, but remember that partners may not identify as lesbian — they could be bisexual, pansexual, queer, or heterosexual. "Lesbian sex" can also include trans women, non-binary people, and intersex people. For this article, we define lesbian sex broadly as sexual activity between people who identify as women (cis or trans), whether they're exclusively attracted to women or not.

Don't believe everything you've heard

There are many myths about sex between women. Some common misconceptions:

"Someone has to be the man." Some think one partner must take a traditionally "masculine" sexual role. That's not necessary — roles vary and do not define gender.
"You have to use a strap-on." Strap-ons can be enjoyable but are not required.
"You have to scissor." Scissoring is not common for everyone and is often impractical or uncomfortable.
"Orgasm is the goal." Sex can be pleasurable without orgasm; stopping without an orgasm is perfectly fine.
"No STIs or pregnancy risk." If one partner has a penis and the other a vagina, pregnancy is possible. STIs can transmit between partners regardless of anatomy.

Know your anatomy — and your own body

Masturbation and self-exploration help you learn what feels good. This makes it easier to communicate preferences to a partner. But remember: everyone is different, and what pleases you might not please someone else.

Consent and communication

Asking for and confirming consent is essential. Even if a partner has previously agreed, check in before sexual activity and remember consent can be withdrawn at any time. If you're nervous, say so — honest communication helps build comfort and trust.

Useful phrases to use before or during sex:

"Can I kiss you?"
"Would you like to try [activity]?"
"Is this okay?" / "Are you enjoying this?"
"Can I take your clothes off?"
"Should I stop?"

Breast and nipple play

Some people have very sensitive nipples. Be gentle and ask about pressure and rhythm. Ideas include:

Rubbing or rolling the nipple gently between fingers
Light sucking, licking, or kissing
Using a vibrator, feather, or temperature play (ice or warm objects)
Using nipple clamps only with explicit consent and experience

Manual genital and anal stimulation

Use different motions, pressure, and speeds. If your partner has a vulva, consider:

Clitoral stimulation with circular or up-and-down motions
Exploring the G-spot with a finger (firm, curved pressure)
Light teasing of the labia and inner thighs
External anal stimulation around the opening

If your partner has a penis, you might try:

Hand stimulation (adjust speed and grip to preference)
Massaging the scrotum and perineum
Light anal stimulation around the opening

Oral sex

Using mouth and tongue can be highly pleasurable. For a partner with a vulva, focus on the clitoral area, labia, and vaginal opening. For a partner with a penis, try varied tongue placement on the shaft and head, gentle sucking, and stimulation of the scrotum and perineum. Always ask about comfort and sensitivity.

Fingering, fisting, and penetration

Penetration can include fingers, fists, dildos, vibrators, or penis. Remember:

Use plenty of lubrication for any penetration.
Take it slow — communicate throughout.
For vaginal penetration with a penis, discuss birth control if pregnancy is a concern.

Anal sex considerations

The anus does not self-lubricate, so use generous lube. Go gradually to avoid tearing. Common options: fingers, toys designed for anal use, condoms on toys, and slow, careful penetration.

Positions to try

Begin with simple, comfortable positions:

Oral/manual: Lie on your back with legs open while your partner lies between them.
Penile-vaginal: Missionary (person with vagina on back, partner on top) — add a pillow under the hips to change angles.
Anal: Doggy-style (on all fours) often allows easier access and control of depth.

STIs and pregnancy risks

STIs can transmit between partners regardless of anatomy. The CDC estimates 1 in 5 Americans has an STI at any given time. Risk depends on sexual activities, histories, and barrier use.

If one partner has a penis and the other a vagina, pregnancy is possible. Discuss birth control options if avoiding pregnancy is important.

How to practice safer sex

Dental dams for oral-on-vulva or oral-anal contact.
External condoms for penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus sex; also for oral on a penis.
Internal condoms for additional barrier options.
Gloves or finger cots for manual penetration — useful with lube and for hygiene.
Hand hygiene: Wash hands and keep nails short before penetration.
Lubrication: Use plenty of lube for anal and often helpful for vaginal play.
Toy hygiene: Clean toys between partners or use condoms on toys.
Get tested regularly and discuss testing with partners.

The bottom line

First-time sex with a woman can be enjoyable, learning, and consensual. Sex is a skill — it improves with communication, trust, and practice. If you have concerns, an LGBTQ+ friendly healthcare provider can offer personalized advice and testing recommendations.

Anatomy, Boundaries and Standards, Communication, Confidence, How To Pleasure, Inspiration and Ideas, Intimacy and Connection, Oral Sex, Relationship, Sex Position, Vibrators