Husband (38M) doesn't understand why I (35F) chose m*sturbation over sex tonight.

My (35F) husband (38M) just had a really uncomfortable disagreement. I told him I was tired and heading to bed, I went upstairs and took care of myself. But shortly after, he realized wanted to go to bed too, and ended up walking in on me, in the bathroom cleaning off a toy.

He immediately looked upset and asked me if I had just used it. I said yes, and based on his resction, asked if that was a problem.

His response was that if I had told him I was horny he would have immediately come upstairs so we could have had some fun together, he wanted to know why I hadn't tried to initiate with him first before taking care of myself? And wouldn't I rather fuck my husband than use a toy all by myself?

I told him I wasn't in the mood for sex, that I just wanted to take care of myself and go to bed, but he pressed on, that he just couldn't understand how a toy is better than him.

I tried to explain its not a matter of "better", but sometimes I just want to be responsible for my own orgasm. I didn't want a long, drawn out sexual event. Didn't want to have to worry about pleasing someone else, or foreplay, or having to "perform". I just wanted to get off and and go to sleep.

He told me that was a pretty selfish of me, that he didn’t realize that sex felt like a chore at times. Then he compared it to him choosing to get fast food over eating what I cooked for dinner, and wouldn't that be insulting? I told him, no, I wouldn't be insulting. If he's not in the mood for what I cooked, that's valid, it's not a huge deal to get something else.

He still seemed so offended, said he'd never choose his hand over his wife. I told him that I was sorry for hurting his feelings, that I wasn't choosing a toy over him, and that I think this is just an "agree to disagree" situation and there's no use arguing about it and that I just wanted to go to bed.

Now we're in this awkward silence. He's still upset but Idk what to do or say. I made it clear to him that I just don't think I need to run it by him before I give myself an orgasm, and while I understand why he might feel a bit disappointed, but it's not indicative of my desire/attraction towards him, so its nothing to take personally.

**before anyone asks, we've been together for 11 years, we have sex at least once a week. Sometimes more. Sometimes less. But we are far from having a dead bedroom. **