I [M] 43 impregnated a barista [F] 20 at the coffee shop I used to frequent - Part 2 - What happened when I told my wife [F] 44
My wife and I were going through counseling (something I never thought I would do) prior to this happening. A few years ago we found ourselves at a point where we thought our marriage was going to end. My wife was having an emotional affair with a coworker. It was not something planned, but she was unhappy in our marriage and I was oblivious. I was providing a good life and home, but nurturing and affection was lacking. I think many men miss this. I was under the impression things were good even though I had my own dissatisfaction that I just set aside as part and parcel of being married. I never in a million years thought she would seek affection and attention elsewhere, and neither did she.
Infidelity is one of those things you think you know about until you actually go through it. You think you know how you will react and how you will feel, but it hits you hard and devastates everything you think you know. My wife was growing closer to a coworker, having intimate conversations, and meeting with him secretly and I had no idea. Just a funny feeling that something was off. Everything came to light when my wife was late coming home from work again. I checked Find Friends and she was in a part of town that is very out of the way from us. Something wasn't right so I pulled up our cell phone bill online and found multiple calls and texts to a number I didn't recognize. They were daily and some of the calls lasted over an hour. I put two and two together and knew she was having an affair. I tried calling repeatedly to no answer. Finally I texted her that I knew what was going on and that I just wanted her to come home. She called me in tears and told me she was on her way back.
When she got home we had a hard, emotional, and long overdue conversation about her affair, our marriage, and how we felt. For her part she was torn and ashamed about how she felt for this guy. She felt alive around him and could speak to him easily and he was interested in everything about her and didn't judge her. All these things she said he was she was also saying I wasn't, and that realization cut me to the bone. She said she did not have sex with him but wanted to. When I called her she was on her way to his place. She had convinced herself nothing was going to happen, just talk, but she was fooling herself. She didn't understand why she felt the way she did with him, but she also did not want to lose me.
For the sake of time I will not go into the details of what we had to do to work through this, but I will say it began with both of us being totally honest with what we wanted, and we both still wanted each other. We had to admit to each other, and to ourselves, that what we got from each other had to change and we were going to have to be totally honest about our wants and needs if we were going to survive. We found a therapist (actually it took us 3 before we found a good fit for us) and began putting in the work to rebuild our marriage from the ground up. Experts will tell you that recovery from an affair can take anywhere from 2-3 years and maybe longer depending on the couple. It is not a short or easy road. For every day you make three steps of progress the next day feels like you fall back 2. During year one I was a mess. I felt emasculated, undesirable, foolish for trying to save my marriage, and basically like a sucker. I was at rock bottom. We were making progress, but at this stage of our recovery I was feeling like I was second pick.
Oddly enough the sex my wife and I were having was incredible. Probably some of the best we ever had. The term for this in therapy is "hysterical bonding". We incorporated fantasy into our sex play and were open about what and who aroused us. It was during this time that I met my barista. When I was at a low point of my life this beautiful young woman reminded me that I was still a man. I do not say this to justify my actions, but I think it is important to understand my mindset during this time.
At this point in therapy I felt like a charlatan, and I was. I was talking about and working on being completely honest, exploring hurts from as far back as childhood, sharing things with each other we never shared before. On the other side I was having an affair that seemed like a balm for my wounds with no attachments, no stress, and no work. I understood my wife more. I saw just how quickly you can slide from working hard at a relationship of substance to falling for what is easy and what feels good. But unlike my wife, no one was there to stop me from going to a physical relationship. No one knew totally what was going on except my individual therapist. She was the one who ultimately convinced me that if I wanted something real with my wife everything had to be on the table.
During a session with our marriage therapist, about one year after things with my barista ended, I put all my cards on the table. I outlined how the affair began, how it continued, my feelings, how it ended, and the baby. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't what I got. I think my wife could accept everything I outlined, but the baby was what clinched it. There was no raging, no tears, no "how could you". She just looked at me in silence for what seemed like an eternity and said "I'm done" and walked out of the office. She took an Uber and I did not see her for a week (it ends up she went to her sister's). I fucked up everything and I knew it. I felt like someone ripped off part of me. The only other time I felt like this is when I discovered her infidelity. The difference is now I didn't feel hope. Before it was up to me whether or not we continued, but this was my fuck up and I didn't think she would forgive this, especially the baby.
It took weeks before she would even talk to me, but eventually she did. She went from being done with our marriage to at least being willing to continue with counseling to see either how to fix this or how to end this. In a couple of months, after the hurt was not as fresh, we started having conversations about what happened. I answered all her questions. I remembered from being on the other side that being honest with my answers and telling it straight was better than trying to spare her feelings.
The first question was the obvious one: Did I love the barista? Yes, but not in the same way I love my wife. Typing it the answer sounds shallow, so I can imagine how hearing it was, but it was the truth. I explained that my barista gave me comfort in a time when I was hurt and reminded me of a part of myself I thought was lost. She was also the mother of my child. For those things and more, I could not help but love her. But I am no fool either. Much of what we had was fantasy. Wild sex, no obligation, our wild role play, but you can't have a whole relationship based on that. My barista was half my age and has her whole life ahead of her. Just as she didn't expect anything of me, like leaving my family for her, I didn't expect her to give up her life and future for me. It is a very odd relationship, but we understood each other that way. I don't think my wife expected that answer. She pictured me as a lovesick puppy for the barista because in a way that is how she was with her affair partner.
She asked me if I still desired the barista and I truthfully told her yes, I wanted both of them. I needed both sides of what they each offered and I felt like shit for having a desire that selfish, but I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge it was there. That she understood wholeheartedly. We talked about opening up our marriage as a possibility, but once we had a real conversation about that I realized it wasn't appealing. Anything I would get out of that, I already got from my relationship with the barista. My wife didn't say anything to that, but I realized that she never got what I got. Her chance to try that sexual side of herself with someone outside of us had never been fulfilled. So I suggested it. I advised my wife to have sex with someone else if it would bring her back to me (even if it wouldn't). Typing this it seems so absurd, but I wanted her to feel what I felt. To have the full experience that I selfishly partook of while it was denied to her for the sake of saving our marriage. She quickly dismissed it but truthfully she didn't need my permission at this point. We weren't even sure we were still going to be married.
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