What they don't tell you about a threesome [Part 3] [FMF]

It was a situationship. I've been there before. But I'm in my 30s now. Older, wiser, smarter! I know how to solve this. Go on, T. Make your 20-something self quiver at your 30-something self's maturity. Go off, king!

But V is a hard person to force things with. She's tall and slender with black hair that rolls down her back in loose waves. She insists that it's very dark brown, but you have to squint sideways in just the right light to see what she's talking about, and even then it's a stretch. But it doesn't matter. Her hair is brown, and she won't back down.

She has pudgy little earlobes and a pretty face. Her eyebrows and hair bounce between immaculately refined and wild & untamed. She is amazing, raw, open, and pure, unlike anyone I've ever met.

By month three, I know I want to be with her. But she just ended a nearly decade long relationship two months before I met her. I was her first date since, and I'm not sure she's ready to be with anyone yet.

So I give her space. Until I can't hold back anymore. It's been 6 months, and I want to know whether she thinks our relationship has as much potential as I do.

So, isn't it a kicker that after all my years of commitment issues, V says she can't commit.

We're on the roof of my building. It's dusk, and this year the vines are finally going to reach the top of the pergola. I can just feel it. Neighbors are having a dinner party nearby, and their chatter mixes with the sounds of the streets below.

V pauses and looks down. "I want to keep seeing you." She sounds earnest, and a little pained. "I think this has potential, too. I just can't get into another relationship right now."

My instinct is to look away, but I fight it and keep my eyes on her. "So, what does that mean for us?"

"Well…" She's still searching for something on the ground. "I don't think it's fair to keep you waiting while I figure my shit out. So…why don't you keep on dating?"

Holy shit.

"We'll keep seeing each other, and we'll keep dating."

She means we'll both keep dating other people. Red flags are everywhere. Is she letting me down softly? That doesn't seem like her. I think if she didn't want to see me, she'd tell me. Maybe I just…need to take her at face value?

And c'mon. Why not continue an emotional relationship with V while sleeping with other people? Let's raise the stakes: double or nothing.

I meet a few new faces in this brave new world, but A is the one I end up seeing most frequently. She's cute and petite with a small chest and a nice round ass. She's sexy. Her Bumble profile shows that her hair has gone through some transformations recently – from shoulder-length locks to a buzzed fuzz top. When she shows up to our date, it's in kind of a mullet. And it works.

We're at a dark, scene-y bar that would be full of young professionals pretending they're still in college if it weren't for the pandemic. About 20 minutes in, she's letting me put my hand on her leg every now & then and laughing at my jokes. When she comes back from the bathroom, she pulls her stool a little closer to mine.

Back at my place, she melts into my arms, and I know that she likes to be taken.

Believe it or not, starting a sexual relationship with someone else hasn't hurt my relationship with V. Except maybe in one way. We're growing closer, but the sex has gotten very confusing.

We're attracted to each other, and I just know we both want the same kind of sex. A little rough, a little dominant, a little kinky. But there's something blocking us. There's something about our dynamic that's making the personal connection intuitive, but the sexual chemistry flounder. It's not the combination you want.

But we can't break things off.

I'm worrying about our relationship. Things feel more real, but it's been almost a year, and we're still not seeing each other much more than once a week. Sometimes not even that. And when we do, she seems to be focused on the sex. She'll initiate at the first opportunity. And I'll follow her lead. But I find myself thinking, ‘Hold on. I want a girlfriend, not a friend with benefits. Where's the talking about each other's day? Where's the cuddling in bed and reading? Where's the cute shit that helps us grow closer together?'

I find myself wondering whether this is just sex for her. And then whether having this relationship with A really is ok. And then whether and what V's doing without me. And then whether I'm going to fall into the trap of valuing sex over connection as I have for most of my adult life. I love spending time with V, but every time we start to have sex, I can't keep from wondering, ‘Is that all there is here?' I try to push those thoughts away and do my job, but sometimes it's hard. In fact, sometimes I can't get hard. Sometimes I can, but my mind is elsewhere.

I'll learn later on that sexual dysfunction is like the Babadook: you can't make it go away by pretending it doesn't exist. You have to talk about it.

But that realization is a long way away, and right now all we know is that our sex has a problem and we're not really talking about it.

It's a few weeks before Christmas, and V & I are out shopping.

We've been kicking around the idea of a threesome with another woman and who it would be with. While we're in a bougie crystal shop, a thought strikes me: what about A?

It's an insane idea, I know, and I probably shouldn't even consider it. But A is into women, and she & I have already had a threesome. On top of that, I have this suspicion that A and V would kind of just…get along.

"So, who was your threesome with?" V asks as we walk past families and other couples out shopping.

"Well…" There's no getting around this. And maybe it's finally time to bring it up?

"It was with this other girl I was seeing." I glance toward V to check her reaction.

Um, yes, excuse me? Crystal shop clerk? We'll take 6 ounces of black tourmaline, please. Stat.

V seems intrigued, but I can tell she isn't sure if she should be feeling anything else, too. We might need that tourmaline.

"Really?" she asks. She walks behind me to look at a particularly round, expensive geode. "How did that happen?"

"Well, we started talking about it, and she had a friend she thought might be interested. We all went out to dinner, hit it off, went back to her friend's place, and fucked." I eye V nervously.

Excuse me? Miss? The tourmaline, please?

"And how was it?" V asks and casually grapevines back to join me examining a slate-red shard of rock on the window display's central pedestal.

I tell her about how we went to her friend's to "hang out" and I could feel the tension building between A and her friend. We sat on the couch to "watch Netflix", and they started moving toward each other, testing the waters. It wasn't long until her friend made a move. They went down on each other, and I watched. I wasn't needed, and that was fine with me. I knew it would come. And, moreover, I knew it might not come if I insisted on being involved.

I tell her how when A went to the bathroom, her friend kind of remembered I was there, and her look went from innocent to hungry. I think she was more used to sex with a man and was eager to slot into something familiar for a second. That got me involved, and the rest is history.

"What was your favorite part?" V asks.

"Well, the next morning, A and I woke up in her friend's bed…and she wasn't there. So A and I fucked. Then her friend came in, explained not at all unhappily that she slept on the couch because she needed some space, and jumped back into bed with us. Having her friend appear got me going again. So I put her hips right over A's – one pussy right above the other – and with their hips overlapping and their shoulders off to each side, they kind of make a heart."

"As I'm fucking her friend," I continue, "A turned and grabbed her face. She put their faces right together and asked her, ‘Is that what you wanted? You wanted to get fucked, just like I did? You wanted to get what I just got?' Her friend was so turned on that when she tried to respond, her words just came out as moans."

"Fuck," V says. There isn't much that stops her in her tracks. But that did. "That's hot."

We look at each other, first with our eyes, then our heads turn fully. We can see the gears turning.

Should we see…if she's interested?

V's getting dressed, and she tells me that she's nervous.

She's at her place, sending me pics of what she's going to wear. "What do you think she'll be wearing?" I tell her she shouldn't overthink it.

you're hot no matter what- I text back.

She sends a heart.

V and I get to the spot for this triple date around the same time. It's a stylish, modern hotel that used to be a church. The marble floor, dark wood, and low lighting feel refined and inviting.

I'm excited to see A again. I've thought about her, and it'll honestly be nice to catch up.