It's not something you need to feel ashamed about but it's also not something your partner has to be comfortable doing. He also needs to understand the difference between CNC and SA, because it sounds like he thinks they're not separable. If he is a new partner and knows about your history, he may well not have a clear understanding of what "too far" looks like, either, and that's the kind of thing where "too far" might not be recoverable for you. Growedup discussions like big boys and girls is warranted, and do it while you are chemically and sexually sober. Talk about the ideas, what it means to you, why you like it, but I wouldnt finish with "so can we do that next time?". Just let it be a discussion.

I think a lot of men, even when thinking they're cool with some "fun role play," fail to understand the complex relationship many women have with CNC-type play. It isn't going to be for everyone. I don't think your BF was honest with himself about what that type of play might look like, but also, not every man can find enjoyment-- even role-playing-- with playing a sexual predator. So much of a man's life is learning to not let bitterness or desire steer him into poor or predatory conduct. I've played along with these fantasies before at an ex's request, but, I didn't at all enjoy it. It was gross. Also, I had a subsequent partner tell me she was into it, and when I began leaning into that 'role,' she broke into tears and immediately confessed she'd lied-- to sound cool/experienced, I guess?-- which left me feeling gross over a roleplay I didn't even want to do in the first place. You don't need to feel gross; this is historically tricky territory for couples to navigate! Fetishes often walk the line between being a fun game and a ritualized attempt to exert control or acceptance over trauma. You need to talk about it, and determine where you're both comfortable meeting. He may not want to play that role, and you may want a relationship where that isn't off-limits, but middle ground would be a great place to start. What's the rush? Enjoy some softer stuff, and his or your stances may evolve as you both explore what floats and what sinks.

I think there are a few moving parts here worth addressing. First is that there is absolutely nothing wrong about your kinks. You are not disrespecting yourself by asking a partner you trust to indulge in them with you, no matter what anyone else may feel about it. You have to realize that for someone who has never really been exposed to that sort of kink, it requires a significant shift in perspective for making love to encompass doing all of the things you've spent your entire life being told not to do to anyone, let alone someone you care about. Guys especially get a lot of messaging to never hurt women. So he may just not have the framework to appreciate that a little rough in the bedroom can be a perfectly healthy thing to want to experience in a safe environment, or the trust inherent in making the request. But that said, he may also just not be into that and you may not have especially compatible needs in that department. When you told him to do whatever he wanted, that might well be just making love tenderly in the missionary position. Not every guy wants to pull hair and deep throat, let alone be rough and predator like. And just as there isn't anything wrong with your desires, it wouldn't be wrong of him not to be into that. The morale of the story here, like most bedroom troubles, is that the two of you really need to talk this out outside of the bedroom. His comment there maybe wasn't great but it sounds like he felt he was being pushed into something he wasn't comfortable with. It sounds like you're trying to just work him up to your level, but that isn't at all a good approach here. Use your words. Talk it out.

You should have a conversation about this outside of the bedroom. Discuss what you want and what your limits are and vice versa. You shouldn't spring this on someone in the moment